Anti-Theft Spell

Hi there. It's me again, your friendly neighborhood public servant slash local witch. I'm here today with an important public service announcement.

Do you work in an environment that requires you to write? I mean, actually write, as in with a pen? I do. A lot of my work requires me to break out the ol' gel pen and lay down some serious ink. But I have a problem. A big problem. My pens keep getting stolen. They are stolen by the very people I am there to serve - the young people with whom I work.

Now, I've tried everything. First I spoke to them about it, telling them to bring their own pens and never to take mine. Then I went out and got pens specifically for them. I brought in over 100 pens to be distributed among 20 people. This worked fine until they were all gone - about 24 hours later. I am not making this up.

Next I labeled my pens, only to find them later on in said youths' possession with the labels torn off. The nerve! So I used duct tape and attached plastic utensils to each pen. Instead of discouraging theft, these became items of great value, possibly stolen as a test of loyalty for entrance into a local gang. Better than stealing a car, I guess.

My friends, today I declare war. No more will I buy these relatively expensive pens only to have them go AWOL within a week. No more will I tower over a teen who is pretending to look sheepish at having been caught with my special pen. No. Today I take action, both mundane and magickal, to prevent the theft of my property.

So, if you or someone you know is experiencing the loss of their writing implements, take heart. Then take yourself to Lowe's and get some #5 clock chain. It's shiny, and gold, and the little b-... um, your thieves.. will find it impossible to break or cut with the scissors they also stole from your desk. Use pliers to attach one end of the chain to the pen clip and the other to some permanent fixture on your desk, like a 50-gallon aquarium tank full of barracudas. Secure the pen end with a combination of duct tape and Gorilla Glue. No, I am not kidding. This is actually what I did today.

Take that, you pen-stealing little- ahem. No, no, I love each and every one of my little sweethearts. They're just kids being kids, really.

Anyway. Here's the magickal part. I'm borrowing just a bit from Lexa Roséan here, just so you know.

In a small, sacred vessel combine ground black pepper, crumbled mint leaves, cinnamon, and the contents of a chai tea bag. (My brand contains ginger, clove, allspice, nutmeg, cinnamon and cardamon. Lexa says to use Earl Grey tea instead, just FYI, but I gotta use what I have!) Mix well and you have protection powder.

At your altar, light a white candle and charge the powder by visualizing what you wish it to do. In my case, I was pretty specific - I want this to protect against theft in particular. So I visualized the items (my pens) being surrounded by a force field that repels grimy thieving teenage hands and only lets my own hands in.

Now you can carry this powder in a small bag on your person, sprinkle it on things or the floor, etc. etc. What I did was enclose some under the duct tape on my pens. Now we'll see who will be the first sucker person to try and take my Pilot G-2's. Come on, kids... I dare you.